Laughter & Life
Proverbs 17:22
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine:
but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
God's Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of
the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture
room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop..
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm
still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students
were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor
eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.
So, He sent me.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys play in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in... the hole-he-goes."
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When . . .
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.
~~~
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, Sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
~~~
It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, 'Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?'
The little boy replied, 'I got him from the church.'
'And why did you take him?' asked the pastor.
The little boy replied, 'Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'
~~~
Live your life as if you wouldn't be afraid to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
~~~
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, not one word was spoken. Both the doctor and lawyer were flattered that the preacher had asked for them to be with him during his dying moments, but they were also puzzled why he had asked them.
Finally the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, raised himself up a bit in the bed and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to die."
~~~
In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started to build a new building in which to open up their business. The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
~~~
A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to preach. When she askes him why he did that, he explained, "I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon."
His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Well Daddy, why doesn't he do it?"
~~~
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the ministry?"
The other said, "This isn't heaven!"
~~~
A man died and went to Heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed mansion after beautiful mansion until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a shack when there were so many mansions. St. Peter replied, "I did the best I could with the money you sent us."
~~~
A pastor just fresh out of Bible college was invited to speak at a chapel service in a prison.
He was very excited, but being his very first time, he was very nervous as well. He thought hard how to introduce his message. On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor stood behind the pulpit to begin his message he said, ‘Good morning. It’s so good to see you here!’
~~~
A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the pastor, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
~~~
God's Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of
the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture
room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop..
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm
still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students
were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor
eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.
So, He sent me.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys play in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in... the hole-he-goes."
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When . . .
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.
~~~
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, Sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
~~~
It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, 'Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?'
The little boy replied, 'I got him from the church.'
'And why did you take him?' asked the pastor.
The little boy replied, 'Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'
~~~
Live your life as if you wouldn't be afraid to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
~~~
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, not one word was spoken. Both the doctor and lawyer were flattered that the preacher had asked for them to be with him during his dying moments, but they were also puzzled why he had asked them.
Finally the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, raised himself up a bit in the bed and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to die."
~~~
In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started to build a new building in which to open up their business. The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
~~~
A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to preach. When she askes him why he did that, he explained, "I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon."
His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Well Daddy, why doesn't he do it?"
~~~
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the ministry?"
The other said, "This isn't heaven!"
~~~
A man died and went to Heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed mansion after beautiful mansion until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a shack when there were so many mansions. St. Peter replied, "I did the best I could with the money you sent us."
~~~
A pastor just fresh out of Bible college was invited to speak at a chapel service in a prison.
He was very excited, but being his very first time, he was very nervous as well. He thought hard how to introduce his message. On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor stood behind the pulpit to begin his message he said, ‘Good morning. It’s so good to see you here!’
~~~
A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the pastor, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
~~~